Rough Weekend

Yesterday was really draining for me emotionally. I was stressed out, depressed, crying all day. It all started when I woke up. I laid there in bed and thought about writing an e-mail to Ron. I went over in my head everything that I wanted to say. As I lay there thinking of everything I started crying. After I got up I immediately went to work on the e-mail. It took me about an hour to type out and I went through lots of tears by the time I was done. Everything I said in the e-mail came straight from the heart and it's everything that I've been wanting to tell him for several months. Later that day he let me know he read it... Apparently he thought I was being mean... he said at first he was sad, then angry and now he's completely depressed. (I guess it got through to him.)

Here's the e-mail I sent:


Ron,

I've been going over again and again in my head what I wanted to say in this e-mail. Now that I'm sitting here typing it out, my mind suddenly went blank... so bare with me.

I've been thinking about how you keep saying that you want to be a good father. I've always told you that actions speak louder than words. You've been back in SD now for over a month and you have yet to take C. for any kind of visitation. Seeing him here at my house or with me there with you guys does not count as visitation. Instead you've taken not one, but TWO trips to visit your mistress. Where in the world are your priorities at? Certainly not with C. You say you want to be with C and see him as often as you can, but your actions say otherwise. Now you're preparing for a big move to the East Coast.

You had to have seen this coming... They've been trying to get you out of here for a couple years now. Because of this move you, C. and B. will NEVER have the relationship I always dreamed of you guys having. I didn't want things to turn out like they did during my childhood.... (and my mom and dad have always lived right down the street from each other.) When moms and dads split up, one parent will always turn in to the "Disneyland Dad". My dad was this kind of dad. He was never able to disipline us. He was never involved in our school work or activities. He was never there for us when we got hurt... He was just the dad that took us places on the weekends and brought us back home when the weekend was over. C. and B. won't even get THAT much and it's breaking my heart to know they will never grow up with their father.

Please don't bring up the crazy idea of us moving to SC again either... That's the most absurd thing I've heard come out of your mouth lately. If you wanted them to be with you all the time you should have given our marriage a REAL shot at working out. Being married to their mom is the ONLY way you'd ever be able to be a really good dad. If we were still together we'd ALL be preparing for this move right now.

You wouldn't be having to miss B.'s birth. You wouldn't be missing all of B.'s firsts.... first smile, first time rolling over, first laugh... You missed just about everything with T. You missed a hell of a lot with C. and I thought this time around could be different... for both of us.

When I got pregnant with B. I really thought I finally had the husband and father to my babies that I've been waiting for. You were getting better with C. and with being there for me. I thought that by the time B. was born you'd be there with me through every thing. I thought you'd be there to rush me to the hospital, go through all the ins and outs of labor and delivery with me. I imagined us being there together with our newborn baby boy being more in love with each other than ever before. Instead it turned in to something that I'm stressing about. Wondering who will be taking me to the hospital. Wondering who will be able to stay with me the entire time. Wondering who is going to be sharing that incredible feeling when B. comes out and we hear that first cry of his. Wondering who will be the one to take me and my newborn home from the hospital. That "who" was all supposed to be YOU.

How many families are you going to create and break apart before the cycle stops?? I can understand why you and D. didn't work out, but I thought it was different with us. We planned to get married. We planned to start a family. Breaking up our family wasn't supposed to happen. Not to us. We had our ups and downs. Everyone does. There was never anything that we couldn't get through though. You never even gave us a chance this time. We spent 6 years together and it breaks my heart that you're throwing it all away for some fling you had in Florida! You broke up your family over it! I really hope she is truly worth everything you lost because of her. You lost me. You lost your boys. You lost your family and a home to go to after work every night. You lost the ability to see your third son come in to this world. You lost your chance to watch them grow up... You will never again be able to read to C. on a nightly basis. To tuck him in at night. To kiss him goodnight. You will never again be able to see him be his crazy self everyday. He does stuff everyday that makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts! And you'll be missing all this and more when B. gets here.

I really hope you're a lot happier now without us than you were with us... (I still don't understand what it was about being my husband that was so hard for you...)

C. and B. will always do just fine because they'll always have each other and they'll always have me as a constant in their lives. It's just sad to know that they will never have the experience or joy that comes along with having both parents raise them under one roof.

Anyway, I suppose that's all I really wanted to say. I really hope you've thought long and hard about all of this before you decided to give up your chance at being a family with us. It would be incredibly sad if you decided a month or 6 months or a year from now that you've made a huge mistake... because by then the damage will have been done and the 3 of us will have moved on with our lives without you.

-T