The Divorced Mom Blog

Deployment and Cheating, Part 3

2010-01-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

May/June 2005 -

Ronnie: So who is he?
Me: Who is who? What are you talking about?
Ronnie: I know you've been talking to someone online. What the F*^% are you doing with Kevin?
Me: Kevin? The only Kevin I know is the one I went to high school with... and I definitely haven't been talking to him. And what do you mean I'm talking to people online? Who told you that??! I haven't been talking to anyone online. I want to know who told you this because they're lying to you!
Ronnie: Don't worry about who told me. Just know that I know and S**t needs to stop NOW.

That was the conversation we had one day before I started work. I don't know where in the world Ronnie was at the time. Probably Greece or maybe Dubai... His deployment was more than half over and he was supposed to be returning in July. Most of our conversations sounded like this... Him accusing me of something and me either defending myself or just getting angry with him. A lot of the time I laughed at the accusations because they were so far off. Who was telling him I was talking to people online??

I was definitely seeing someone, but I never once talked to him online and his name was Kyle, not Kevin.

Kyle spent the night at my apartment that first night and pretty much never left. Our relationship started off pretty innocently despite how it sounds. He slept on the couch for awhile... Kyle and I just really, truly enjoyed hanging out with each other. He allowed me to be myself around him... Something I hadn't felt with someone in a few years. I was having fun. I was laughing and enjoying my life again. It felt good.

Kyle knew a lot of people. A LOT of people. Slowly, but surely his friends were becoming my friends. I loved hanging out with them and they all thought I was a cool chick. I was made even cooler because I was 21 and they were all 19 and 20... I could buy us alcohol... and I did. I spent so much money on alcohol it was pretty ridiculous looking back on it now. I never used Ronnie's money for it though. (He was doing a good job of that himself... spending hundreds and thousands of dollars on alcohol and food while in port.) No, I had my own money during this time. I was working part time as a front end supervisor at Michaels. I didn't make tons of money, but it was enough for me. (Thinking back I can't even remember how we managed to pay bills during this time.)

We were partying every weekend... I supplied the drinks. We were smoking weed everyday... Kyle had lots of hook-ups. Kyle moved from the couch to my bed after one night of partying. We were falling for each other fast. I knew in my head that nothing would ever come of this relationship... I didn't care though. I wasn't thinking of the future. I was living in the present for once and it was addicting. Each day was different and fun. We were making things up as we went along. My hours at work were slowing down so we had plenty of free time. We went to parties. We hung out at the beach. We were just having fun... living for the moment.

One night we decided to have a party at my apartment. There weren't a ton of people that came, but there were enough. We had a fun night. Everyone spent the night in my living room. In the morning one of the guys that I didn't care for too much decided to whistle at and say vulgar things to one of my apartment managers that walked by. She took offense to it... Later that day I got a notice that I had to either voluntarily move out or they would be forced to evict me. They claimed to have 3 strikes against me and the whistling was the last strike. The first two were bogus claims. She said that some neighbors complained of drug deals going on outside of my apartment. I don't think so! We were smoking weed, but we never had anyone come to the apartment to drop it off! We were always the ones to go pick it up... Second strike? She claims that someone from my apartment broke a water pipe near the swimming pool. Um, seriously? The pool was on the other side of the complex. We never went swimming. We never had a reason to walk past it unless I was walking over there to pay rent. She said she had witnesses to both claims. I had to move.

By this time Ronnie was calling me less and less. We were just going through the motions now. He didn't WANT to call me. As the deployment was coming closer and closer to the end he started talking about divorce....

Deployment and Cheating, Part 2

2010-01-10T22:05:00.000-08:00

April 2005 -
One night after work I got a phone call from a guy friend of mine. He asked me if I wanted to come hang out with him and some of his friends at his apartment. I wasn't interested in him at all other than as a friend. He knew that. He also knew that I was married. Despite that, I'm pretty sure he had a little crush on me. I'm not gonna lie, I liked the attention at the time. I wasn't getting any attention from my husband and I was craving it. So I went. I knew I shouldn't have. I was a married woman... even if I could feel my husband pulling away from me. I remember that I actually tried to get out of it by saying that I didn't feel like driving... Should have come up with a better excuse. He offered to pick me up.

When we get to the apartment I can see why he invited me over. It was a bunch of guys hanging out. They wanted some girls there. There was one other female there, but she was with one of the guys and she was nothing but loud, obnoxious and annoying. When her and some of the other guys decided to take off some where, the rest of us were relieved.

Around the time the loud girl and her friends left I noticed someone else there. It was a guy I went to high school with who always seems to show up out of no where a few times a year. I can't stand this guy! Great... As soon as he spots me he comes over to where I'm sitting on the couch and starts talking to me like we're old friends. He's had a thing for me since 9th grade. I tried my best to be polite, but at the same time I was trying to find a reason not to talk to him. I was saved when he got up to smoke outside with some of his friends.

While they were outside smoking a guy came up and sat down next to me on the couch. I thought he was pretty cute. He introduced himself to me as Kyle and told me that he noticed how thrilled I looked to talk to the guy who went outside. He offered to save me from him. (Thank you!) I definitely didn't mind him saving me. He seemed like a fun guy to talk to. He was friendly, good looking and he seemed interested in me. I don't even know when the guys came back inside from smoking. Kyle and I were too interested in our conversation with each other. Towards the end of the night Kyle asked to see my cell phone. I didn't know what he was going to do, but I gave it to him. He put in a phone number and gave it back to me. Confused, I asked him, "What's this?" He told me that it was his number and that I should put mine in his phone. I don't even know what made me do it. I think I was just enjoying the attention that he was showing me. What harm could come from exchanging numbers? It wasn't like I was going to call him.

Some time after midnight the same friend who picked me up took me home. Kyle and the stalker guy came along for the ride.

As soon as I got inside I got a text from Kyle... Oh great, what did I do now? ...He let me know that he had fun talking to me and he hoped to talk to me again soon. Oh no. I knew I should have cut it off right then and there, but he knew I was married and off limits. What harm could come from being just friends?

--------

Kyle called me the next night when I got off work. ...I don't even know how it happened. Suddenly our phone conversation turned into us hanging out. I drove over to his house and picked him up. I knew what I was doing. I didn't care. I hadn't heard from my husband in weeks. I was just making new friends... No harm in that, right? I had no intention of taking things further than some innocent flirting... so why not hang out with my new friend?

I remember our ride back to my apartment. On the inside I was nervous, giddy and had butterflies in my stomach... I hadn't felt like that in a long time and I didn't want it to end. On the outside I was confident and flirty. I felt like I was in total control of the situation. I liked knowing that this guy was interested in me and I loved the power that came with that.

On the way up the steps to my apartment I turned to Kyle and jokingly said, "We can hang out, but you just have to do one thing for me... Promise me that you won't fall in love."

To be continued...

Deployment and Cheating, Part 1

2009-12-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

February 2005 Ronnie deployed on a Navy ship that was sailing around the world. We didn't say our good-byes on the best of terms. I remember hugging him in our apartment and telling him that I loved him. I also begged him to keep the drinking to a minimum and to stay out of trouble... he knew I meant girls... His friends drove him to base. I waved to him from the balcony of our apartment and then went on with my day. I don't even remember why I didn't drive him. Maybe I had to work that day.

Ronnie had started off the deployment with a phone call about once a week and sent me at least one e-mail a day. As time went on I was getting about one phone call a month and about one e-mail a week. The phone calls lasted less than five minutes and the e-mails were boring, generic and sounding a bit forced. For about 2 months I e-mailed him every day... When I realized that I was getting nothing in return my e-mails slowed down too.

March 2005 was when the 1st affair happened... well I guess it wasn't really an affair... more like a one night stand. I didn't find out about it until AFTER the deployment. Ronnie was distancing himself from me because he had cheated on me. He had told me that some guy from the ship had flown his girlfriend from the States into Guam, which was their first stop. He didn't care for this guy and wanted to prove to who-knows-who that he could get this guy's girlfriend to sleep with him. (His favorite thing to say back then...and probably still... is, "I do what I want.") I truly believe that he doesn't think he'll have any consequences for his actions. At least at the time he's doing it. And of course he was completely drunk at the time. They did it in the bathroom of a club... In a bathroom stall. Classy, right?

Back at home I was hanging out with my best friend at the time, Melissa. She and her husband had just filed for divorce. (I think she was really hurt when it happened. She did what I did when Ronnie and I got divorced... She went looking for male attention. Not saying it's right, but I think we both dealt with it the same way.) She and I would hang out in Pacific Beach a lot. (Lots of bars, tattoo shops and guys!) We hung out with a lot of guys she knew during that time. After we both turned 21 we would also go to a bar every now and then. When I wasn't hanging out with her I was working... Until the night I went over to a friend's apartment...

That night changed everything for me.

Marriage, Year One

2009-12-02T12:12:00.000-08:00

December 2003 - December 2004

I learned a lot that first year. A lot about life, about myself and about the man I just married. Neither one of us really thought things through. I was fresh out of high school and he went straight from one marriage right into another. I gave up a lot of my future plans in the name of love and I think in a way I actually started to resent Ronnie for it.

I decided against joining the Marine Corps and instead of going to college like all of my friends I started working in retail full time. My hours at work were awful. I worked a lot of nights and weekends, which I hated. My new husband was working nights as well, but he had all weekends and holidays off. We spent very little time together during this time.

During the weekends while I worked he spent all his time either at his friend's house or the bars. He drank. A LOT. I didn't even realize that he had a drinking problem until we were married. Even though I knew that he had a problem with it he would never admit to it. He always said that he could handle his alcohol and he could stop drinking any time he wanted to. He drove home drunk almost every night. Some nights he wouldn't make it home and I would have to track him down.

Along with the drinking were the girls... He's a naturally friendly and flirtatious kind of guy and could make fast friends where ever he went. The girls that hung around the bars and his friend's houses showed lots of interest in him. I was still too young to go to the bar with him, but I saw girls flirting with him on the nights that we'd both have off. Nights like that always ended in me getting angry with him and him drinking more and more. I would usually leave him where ever we were and drive myself home... Only to be wondering what was going on without me there. I'd end up calling him all night.

(Thinking about this time in my life brings up all the hurt feelings as if this all happened yesterday. I was a very jealous and bitter person back then. I was angry all the time. Looking back on this now I don't even know why we stayed married! We had no kids. We didn't own anything besides our cars... I just kept telling myself that it would get better. That he would grow out of it and that we'd go back to how things were when we first met. I stayed because I didn't want a failed marriage at the age of 20. I didn't want to have to start my life over again... Little did I know that had I done it then things would have been MUCH easier.)

At the end of 2004 we found out that Ronnie would be leaving on deployment in January 2005. This one was different. He'd be on a ship that sailed around the world for 7 months. I was ready for him to leave....

My Past: September 2002 - December 2003

2009-12-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

September 2002 -

Ronnie left for what we thought would be a 6-7 month deployment to Japan. We had no idea that the war in Iraq would break out in March 2003. We had no idea that he would be stuck there for a whole year. The whole time he was gone we stayed in constant contact with each other. We emailed several times a day and he called to talk to me for hours on end after work. Everything seemed perfect.

He came home to visit for a few weeks in December. He stayed for Christmas and my birthday. I was turning 19 in January 2003. He got down on one knee that day and proposed to me. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. We were both beyond happy with the way things were going. Only problem was that he was still legally married to his wife. He kept telling me that she was taking care of it and that it was supposed to be final as soon as he got back.

That never happened.

September 2003 -
Ronnie returned from Japan and their divorce STILL wasn't final yet. So he and I traveled the 6 hours up north to get her to sign the paperwork... and to visit with his son who was now 2. We found out that she was pregnant with some random man's baby. She didn't fight us about signing the paper work. She signed and we went back home. He was staying with us at my parent's house... in a separate room.

November 2003 -
We rented our first apartment together. (I actually live right next door to the complex he and I used to live in...) I wanted to wait until we were married, but I was already tired of living at my parents house. I think we really rushed things because we didn't want to stay there any more.

December 17th 2003 -
His divorce was final and we got the paperwork in the mail a few days later. We eloped the day we got it... on December 20th. The only people we told were my mom and my best friend.

-----

That first year of marriage wasn't the best...

And the Deception Starts Early

2009-11-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

Summer 2002 -

That first date was just the beginning for us. I fell asleep next to him that night and never left. I was hooked on him. He said all the right things and gave me all the attention I've ever wanted. He showered me with love and affection. I had never been with anyone like him before. He already had a career going for him. He had his own place... kinda. He treated me like a princess. After only a few weeks he told me that he loved me. Soon I was telling him the same thing. It was around this time that I found out about his wife and child.

How did I not see that coming?!

There was no evidence at the apartment that he was married and had a baby. There were no toys. No baby clothes. No sign that a woman had ever lived there. He never even mentioned it! None of his friends had mentioned anything about him being married... I found out about them by asking Ronnie a question about something he had hanging up in his room. It was a word made out of metal wire. It simply said, Tre. I asked him what it meant and he hesitantly answered that it was the name of his son. Eventually he told me the whole story. Or at least the story according to him.

He's very good at spinning a story to favor himself.

They were on a break and she had moved back home to Visalia to figure things out. His son was just 9 months old. He swore that they were over and he wasn't going back to her. He said that I made him more happy in the past couple months than she ever had in the past year. He filled my head with everything I wanted to hear. He told me about all their problems and how he didn't want to be with her any more. He told me how beautiful I was and that he would never leave me.

So at 18 years old I was made out to be the other woman and I didn't even know it.

Of course I stayed with him. I was head over heels in love with him. I even told my mom that I thought he was The One. I told myself that we could make this work. If we got married I could handle being a step mom. We could get through anything, right? As long as we loved each other...

A few weeks later he took a trip to Visalia to visit them. By the time he went up there his wife knew about us. He called her on the phone right in front of me... to prove how much he loved me... Ronnie was very hurtful in the things that he said to her that day. In my mind at the time I was only thinking that I had won. Here he was married to this woman and yet he loved me more.

Her mother and family didn't know that anything was wrong between them so (according to Ronnie) to keep up appearances he slept in her bed. They ended up sleeping together a few days in to his trip. It could have been more, but I can only go by what I was told. He ended up coming home that night. He says he felt too guilty to stay. He got home late that night and told me everything. I was beyond hurt and felt completely betrayed by him! How could he have done that to me after all the things he's said to me?? It took me awhile, but I decided that he truly was sorry and that it would never happen again. I stayed.

I should have left that night. This was just the beginning...

The First Date

2009-11-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

July 18th, 2002 -

I decided that no harm could be done by going out just this once with Ronnie. I was very interested in getting to know him better. He had a playfulness about him that I enjoyed. He was flirty. He was handsome.... and he was interested in ME.

He took me to Applebees. That night I found out that he had been after me since the day we first met. He was just waiting for the right time. I was flattered. I had secretly wanted him too. We talked the whole time. He was very easy to talk to and he made me laugh. He showed an interest in me like no one had ever done before. He said all the right things... Touched my arm when he would talk. (He's always been a very touchy feely kinda guy.) Looked into my eyes when I would speak. I was becoming putty in his hands.

After dinner we went to the movies. I don't even remember the name of it now... I just remember there were dragons in it. I really wasn't interested in watching the movie. I had this guy sitting next to me that I wanted to get to know. The sexual energy between us was starting to get intense. We stuck to holding hands.

When the movie ended I wasn't ready to go home. Truth be told, I wouldn't have gone back home anyway... My parents thought I was staying at my friend's house for the week. I wasn't ready to end our date and neither was he. Ronnie suggested that we go back to his place to watch some movies that he had rented.

(Later on I found out that he had gone out and BOUGHT a DVD player and rented movies that day with the intent to get me back to his apartment.)

We got to his apartment and he had my favorite alcohol there. (We partied a lot when I was dating my boyfriend... lots of drinking almost every night.) We were in his bedroom which was the master bedroom with his own private bathroom in it.We started drinking and watched the first movie. He was touching me the whole time. Not in a truly sexual way, but like holding my hand or brushing his hand along my arm or back. I had promised myself that nothing was going to happen between us that night. He was making it really hard.

By the time our movie ended we both had a few drinks in us. He suggested we take a shower together... I had never done anything like that before and I was kinda nervous to do that with him. I wasn't thinking clearly because of the alcohol.... So we showered together. Up to that point in my life he was the most beautiful thing I had laid my eyes on. Wow, he was hard to resist that night, but we didn't do anything.... Our shower together ended and I put on one of his t-shirts and went to sleep next to him.

I was falling for him. HARD. What I didn't know at the time was that he had a few skeletons hiding in his closet... in the form of a wife and child.

To be continued...

Where to start?

2009-11-24T10:41:00.000-08:00

I should probably start from the beginning.

I was 18. It was May 2002 and we only had about a month and a half left of our senior year of high school. I had just started dating a guy I that I met earlier during my freshmen year. We had a lot of fun together while we were dating, but I knew he wasn't The One. We both had plans to join the Marine Corps. He was leaving in July and I was leaving next January. During our brief relationship he introduced me to his friend's older brother, Ronnie. Ronnie was constantly flirting with me when we were hanging out at my boyfriend's house. I was attracted to him and really wanted to get to know him better, but I was still with someone else. My boyfriend had started to distance himself from me because he was preparing to leave for boot camp. At the time I didn't understand why. I now realize that's their way to deal with leaving... to make it easier on themselves. Ronnie was giving me the attention I craved.

My boyfriend left for boot camp on July 15th, 2002. He was cold and distant that day. His way to deal with leaving. I was crying. We said our good-byes at the recruiter's office and left it at that. We never officially broke up. That was the last time I saw him. (A year later he died while in Iraq... I still feel guilty for how we left things.)

That night I got a call from Ronnie. He wanted to know how I was doing and if he could take me out to dinner. I had a big crush on him by this time and decided no harm would be done by going out with him... just this once.

To be continued...

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2009-11-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

I know I said that this wasn't going to be updated any more, but I decided that I'm not done with this blog just yet... In my new blog I had started to write about my my previous marriage. I feel that it fits better in this blog. From now on I'll be posting anything that has to do with the past in this one. I'll leave my new blog for my daily life.

Here's what I started saying about the things I plan to write about....

I've been doing some reading over at the blog, The Quest For T. Lately she's been writing about the affair that she had during her marriage to her ex-husband. Reading her words has really made me think about my own situation and what I went through during my marriage to Ron. There's a lot of stuff that I've never told anyone about. There's a lot that even my ex-husband doesn't know about. I'm sure he could say the same thing about me. Our marriage was pretty much doomed from the start. Looking back I can see that now.

At the time I was a naive 18 year old girl who had just graduated high school. He was a 21 year old United States Marine stationed here in San Diego. He had his own apartment... that he shared with his brother and his co-worker. Back then I thought the world of him. He had me fooled. He had us all fooled. I wasn't completely innocent though. That year I had made plenty of mistakes. Mistakes that would truly hurt my mother if she knew about everything I've done in my life.

When I was 17 I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That's a pretty hard time in any persons life to decide to change religions and join a church. It didn't last very long. I still believed in the church doctrine, but I just wasn't ready to fully commit myself to it. So yes, I'm Mormon. I'm very active in the Church now, but during my whole relationship with Ron I wasn't going to church... it was the furthest thing from my mind.

I think I'm ready to talk about everything that's happened. I think it will help me process everything and allow me to really move on with my life. I'm going to be writing about everything from the good times (which were few and far between), sex, our affairs, drugs, drinking... If that's something that you're not comfortable reading about then please don't read. I won't be writing about this stuff every day, but there will be a large portion of my blog that will talk about my past. It's not who I am today, but my past has helped shape me into the person I am now.

I'll type up a few drafts and when I'm ready to share I'll post them... I just thought I should give a fair warning of what may lie ahead.

New Blog Home!

2009-11-17T15:05:00.001-08:00

The time has come for me to stop updating this blog... I'm no longer a divorced mommy and I felt like it was time to move on. I hope my readers will come follow me on my new blog.

Happily At Home

Hope to hear from you on there!

We did it!

2009-10-19T13:40:00.001-07:00

Don't have much time to write... We're still unpacking boxes and trying to get in to some sort of routine at our new place. Just wanted to share this picture of all 4 of us on our special night. =)

The Big Move

2009-10-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

It's happening tomorrow! :D Tomorrow morning we're getting the keys to our new apartment and we get to start moving our stuff in!! I'm very excited and I can't believe how fast this past week has gone by.

It's gonna be a super busy day.

Ok, I have something to say and I don't think I can hold it in any longer! I guess I'll spill the beans about the other changes I mentioned in my last post... everyone will find out eventually anyway!

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!

Yes, you read that right, Josh and I are getting married tomorrow at 7pm. I know it seems soooo soon. So here's what I wanted to write in my last post about all of this:

After jumping up and down in the excitement of getting an apartment we then realized there was a problem... We made a promise to each other and ourselves that we were going to do things right this time. We've both made mistakes in the past, especially in previous relationships, and we didn't want to make those mistakes again. We're LDS (aka Mormon) and someday we'd like to get sealed together as a family. Living in sin is definitely a step in the wrong direction. So we're doing it...

So that's it. After tomorrow I'll no longer be the divorced mom.... Hmmm... still debating the name change of this blog. We'll see.

I'll be back to post about our lil ceremony/reception as soon as I can get the computer hooked back up. ;) Of course, I think I'll take a mini break from the world wide web to enjoy my new family and the beginning of our lives together.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-10-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

Lots and lots of changes! So many in fact that I've been meaning to post something in here, but simply haven't had the time.

This past week my mom came to me and let me know that my sister, brother-in-law and niece were going to be moving into the trailer that her and my step dad have parked in the driveway. They're going through a rough time right now and aren't able to stay in the apartment they live in. My BIL recently got in a dirt bike accident and totally ruined his knee for life. He won't be able to work for at least the next 2-3 months while he heals.

(FYI - For those that don't know, my boys and I ended up living here permanently at my mom & step dad's house after The Ex decided to take a hike. I've been paying rent, cleaning house and doing all the cooking since I moved in...Making it possible for me to work from home and raise my boys.)

Anyway, so with them moving in here and my step dad coming home from working in Vegas for the past year this house will be PACKED. I'm talking, 9 people in a 4 bedroom manufactured house. When I found out what was going on I immediately talked to Josh about it. He had the same concerns I did... All these people in one house.... Only 2 of the 9 people work outside the home (til my step dad starts his next job in Vegas.). That also means there would be 3 kids under 3. My niece is 17 months old. Needless to say, it's going to be a MAD HOUSE in here. Nap times will be a thing of the past. Going to bed at a decent time, forget it.

So Josh and I talked about it. We decided to get our own place. We're in a position financially to get a decent place. He has a good paying, stable job. We planned to do this all in February anyway... Why not move it up several months? That way my sister, BIL and niece don't have to stay the whole winter in a freezing cold trailer. They can move in to the 2 rooms the boys and I are in right now.

So we did it!

We did some apartment searching and found one right away. It was almost as if it fell in to our laps. We were just driving by them and decided to check it out. It was 5:15pm. What were the chances the office would still be open? It was. They were closing at 6. :) They had everything we were looking for and had an apartment available. We filled out an application and we got approved for it yesterday. Move-in day is October 16th!

It's gonna be a super busy week for us. We have 6 days to pack!!

Lots more changes to come, but I'll save those for another post. I'm pretty sure that a certain pair of eyes have found and now read this blog... I promise I'll explain more later! You'll just have to stay tuned! :)

Wordless Wednesday: Josh gets a haircut!

2009-10-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

(After posting the bad pics of Josh with his Elvis/Wolverine hair I figured I'd post one after the haircut. I can never get all 3 to look at the camera at once.)

Pumpkin Patch

2009-10-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

Today the boys and I were invited to the pumpkin patch by our friends Lizz & Frank. It's their oldest daughter's 3rd birthday today. We actually celebrated her birthday this past Saturday, but it was nice to do a little something with them today. After all, I was there to witness her birth.... I was 32 weeks pregnant at the time with C. I'll never forget that year....

Anyway, we had fun spending time with them. WARNING: Picture overload!

No idea where that tongue came from...

He wasn't too sure at first...

He came around though. That face says it all. :)

Mr. Blue eyes.

Josh, I love you, but you need a hair cut!

Me and my lil man. :) I need more pics of me and the boys... I'm always the one behind the camera though!

Ok this slide was ridiculous! The toddlers took it like champs though. I went on it once.... I had to be talked into it. I HATE heights! When you're on this thing it's seriously straight up and down. I don't know how my 2 yr old handled it, but he LOVED it!

There he goes!

Easy Ground Beef Stroganoff Recipe

2009-10-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

I found this recipe several years ago and it's been a hit with everyone who has ever tasted it. It's super easy to make - only 5 ingredients. It's also easy on the budget. I made this the first time Josh came over to our house. He's been around ever since. LOL. I don't know if it's my cooking or me that he keeps coming back for. ;)

I made this last night for dinner and took a few pictures. Here's the recipe:

1 pound lean ground beef (turkey or chicken)
1 onion, chopped (3/4 to 1 cup)
1 cup celery, chopped (2-3 stalks)
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup (I actually use 2 cans)
1 cup low fat sour cream or yogurt (I like to use 2 cups of sour cream)

In a medium sized skillet saute onion and celery in about 1 tablespoon olive oil until tender.

In same skillet add ground beef and brown. Drain off fat.

Add soup and sour cream. Stir all together until meat is well coated. Heat thoroughly.

Serve over rice, noodles, crispy fried potatoes... it's good on lots of stuff.... I prefer rice. I usually make some in my rice cooker, but last night I cheated and used boil in a bag rice.

Ta-da! (Not much to look at, but it was really yummy!)

The possibilities are endless

2009-10-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard yet, Josh and I plan to get married on February 20th of next year. I know that seems so soon, but when you find the right person you just know. He's everything I've ever wanted in a life partner. He loves my boys and treats them as if they were his own. He's very protective of us and wants nothing but the best for all 3 of us. He loves that I cook dinner every night, that I clean house and I take care of my kids. When he gets off work he wants to do nothing more than to come over and spend time with us. Doesn't matter what we're doing he just wants to be with us. Josh doesn't drink or smoke. He doesn't like to go out to bars or party every weekend. He's a hard working man who just wants to come home to a warm, home cooked meal and enjoy an evening with his wife and kids. Sad to say, but I never experienced any of that in my marriage to Ron. Thinking about that makes me even more thankful for Josh. (Hmm... would I have to rename my blog, The Re-Married Mom?)

Soooo... Tonight we were over at Lizz (my BFF) & Frank's house. They're the ones who are moving back to St. Louis in November. They have 2 daughters who are almost the exact age my 2 boys are. I've mentioned this before, but Lizz is truly my best friend. In the past 3 years we've gone through the deployments of our husbands, births of all our babies (Do we really have 4 kids between us now?!), all the crap I went through in my marriage... and then divorce. We've been there for each other through everything you can imagine. Sure there were times when we wouldn't hang out as much. Sometimes we'd let 2-3 weeks go by without saying a word to each other. After those 2-3 weeks went by we'd always pick back up right where we left off without skipping a beat.

Ok I'm getting way off track here...

So Josh, the boys and I went over to their house to drop off some boxes and to hang out. We started talking about Josh & I seriously moving to St. Louis, MO so that we could all still be together. Is that totally crazy? Follow your best friend and her family to MO just because we'd miss each other THAT much. Maybe. But why not? There's nothing here in San Diego that is holding us back. The boys' bio dad no longer lives here. My mom and step dad plan to move to Utah in a few years and my dad and step mom will probably end up moving to Idaho. Josh has no problem living so far away from his mom and dad. In his line of work (HVAC installation/repair/tech) he could probably make a better living in MO.

Ok, I admit that I will REALLY miss living by the ocean. I'll miss my family that will still be here and all of my old friends. I'll probably even miss the 70-80 degree year round weather. (Even though I'm always complaining about how hot it is in the winter time!)

What I WON'T miss are the ridiculous home prices and gas prices out here. I think that's one of the major factors in our decision to move. Sure we could stay out here and live pay check to pay check while living in some crappy lil 3 bedroom apartment for $1300 a month. (AND THAT'S CHEAP OUT HERE!) If we did decide to buy a house here in SD our only real option would be a mobile home/manufactured home that sits in a mobile home park. No yard, no land, neighbors that live waaaay too close to you. Don't get me wrong... nothing against these kind of homes. I grew up in one... I'm actually sitting in my mom's manufactured home right now.

We could do better though.

We could get out of SD and move some place where we could afford a nice 4 bedroom house with a big backyard for the kids to play in... and why not do it where we already have friends who know the area? I suppose it doesn't necessarily have to be St. Louis... we would make friends any where we go....

Like I said, the possibilities are endless.

Last day of September

2009-09-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should do a little recap on September and set some goals for myself in October.

Let's see...

September recap:

Heard from the ex for the 1st time since he deployed to Japan.
Went to my first Charger game with Josh on Sept. 4th. (Official date #8)
My baby turned 8 months old and started cruising around furniture.
My 2 year old learned how to ride a bike with training wheels.
Spent waaaay too much money and managed to leave $0.21 in my checking account til payday on the 1st. A used double jogging stroller put me over the edge!
Visited with friends I haven't seen in awhile.
Visited with family I haven't seen in awhile.
Lowered my cell phone minutes and cut out the internet to save $50 a month!
All of us got colds and still trying to get over them.

October goals/things to do:

Set a budget for myself.
Put at least $50 in to savings and LEAVE IT THERE!
No fast food! There's plenty of food at home to eat.
Exercise at least 30 - 60 minutes a day. Gotta put that expensive jogging stroller to use!
Spend as much time as I can with my BFF who is leaving to St. Louis, MO on November 1st.
Meet up with my Aunt to go over wedding details. Thinking about doing something small in her back yard.
ROAD TRIP to El Paso, TX to visit with the boys' paternal grandparents.
Work on my Cafepress store. Get Christmas stuff made this month!
Work with my 2 year old on potty training!

Ouch, that stung just a little.

2009-09-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

My ex mother-in-law (actually Ron's step mom) just told me over the phone that all these years she thought it was because of me that Ron didn't visit her and his dad. She thought it was because of me that she never met C. in person. She thought I was telling him that we couldn't go or that I didn't WANT to go.

Really? Ouch.

My ex MIL has actually been wonderful to me through this whole thing. She was there for me backing me up in the very beginning when my ex called me up from Florida to tell me that he wanted a divorce. She has been nothing but supportive towards me. It's because of how great her and my ex FIL have been that I'm driving all the way to El Paso, TX to let them visit with their grandsons. Grandsons who they've never seen other than in pictures... and if it were left up to Ron they'd never have the chance to meet them.

I was calling her to confirm the dates and let them know that yes, we are actually coming. She seems very grateful that Josh and I are doing this. I think that's why she told me about what she thought of me all these years. She realized that she was wrong... and she actually apologized to me for thinking that about me. I'm not gonna hold it against her. I think she realizes now just how messed up in the head Ron is. She knows that if she's gonna have any chance at all to get to know her grandsons it's gonna be to go through me.

Such a sharp contrast to Ron's biological mom.

Susie.

She got back in touch with me a couple days ago. I should have known better than to trust that she's changed. She's STILL denying that she did anything wrong. I wasn't even going to talk about the past with her. I've moved on. Apparently she hasn't. She just HAD to message me and let me know her side of the story once more. Drop it already will you?!

I promised Josh that I wouldn't talk to her any more. She creates nothing but drama and I really don't need that in my life. She can go back to getting her updates & pictures of the boys from Ron... LOL.

2+ Months Later...

2009-09-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

Got a phone call from Ron on the 4th of this month. He called to let me know his number in Japan. Hmmm.... I'm pretty sure it says in our divorce papers that when you move or change your number you're supposed to inform the other parent within 48 hours. It had definitely been 2 months since he deployed to Japan. He claims to have tried to e-mail me when he first arrived. Sure you did.... My e-mail hasn't changed in the past 3 years. His hasn't changed his either so I decided to e-mail him some updates on the boys. I even sent him a picture of the boys that I took of them in July.

Why did I even bother?

I got no response. Not even a, 'thank for the picture." or "wow, they're getting so big!"

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

A few days later that same picture ended up on New Wife's myspace page in a new album titled, "All Our Boys". I'm sorry, but that doesn't fly with me. You've never met my kids and probably never will. Please don't post pictures of my boys as if they're yours and you love and care about them. I was pretty upset when I saw it, but I wrote the nicest (well, in my opinion) e-mail to both my ex and New Wife.

The e-mail:

Hey Ron,
I'm writing to you about the picture I sent you the other day... I was wondering if you could ask New Wife (name changed to protect the innocent lol) to please take it off of her myspace page. (If your mom has it up can you ask her to the same?) I sent that to you so you could see how big they were getting. I don't mind if you sent it to her to look at... you do what you want, but I'd rather not have the boys pictures up on other peoples pages. I know how you feel about posting crap on myspace and other sites like that. Thanks for understanding.

-T

Lol I guess that second to the last sentence is kinda funny considering the fact that here I am posting it for who ever to see on my blog. And maybe I shouldn't be so petty about things. A friend helped put things in perspective for me. They can do what they want with the pictures. They can say and do what they want on their Myspace of Facebook pages. I'm the one with the boys. I'm the one who gets the hugs and kisses everyday. I get to tuck them in at night knowing that their safe and sound with me.

Ok so call me petty. It still bugs me.

Oh did I mention that in her about me section she wrote something like, "I'm 28 years old. I'm the mom of 5 boys and I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world. Life is best when I'm with him. Come home soon daddy!" Puke. So yeah apparently she has 5 boys... She's given birth to 2. She's including Tre, Ron's oldest who she's never met and MY 2 boys. Ok lady, keep living in your fantasy land. Do it while you can... before Ron moves on to New Wife #4 and leaves you in the dust. Just like he did to New Wife #1 (and son #1), New Wife #2 (me and son #2 & #3).

Anyway, mission accomplished. I got an e-mail back saying, "Done and done. Anything else I can do for you ma'am." Ugh. Always the smartass. I thanked him and left it at that.

Haven't heard from him since.

Random Divorced Mom Blog

2009-09-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

Came across this blog tonight.

Just spent the past hour or so reading it.

Different divorce situation than mine.

It actually sounds a lot like what I went through as a kid when my mom and dad got a divorce.

Very thankful my kids didn't have to go through a custody battle.

PSP Masks

2009-09-27T23:03:00.000-07:00

I decided to get creative today and I came up with these masks for PSP. I figured I might as well share them with everyone. These are the first ones I've ever made and they're kinda crazy looking, but I like them.

I'm making them free for personal use. These are not to be used for commercial use what so ever. Credit isn't needed, but if you take them a comment left on this post would be nice. :)

Click on them to make them larger. When they're full size just right-click and save them to your Mask folder. If you have any questions, just ask!

Road Trips!

2009-09-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Like I mentioned yesterday, I've been really busy all Summer. Lot's of stuff has happened and I wish I could squeeze all the updates in to one blog. I'm sure I could if I tried, but I doubt anyone would want to read it. I'm sure if I can remember to write in here everyday a little bit will be talked about everyday.

Lately Josh and I have been talking a lot about the near future. Our wedding date is February 20th, 2010 and we're still not exactly sure where we're going to be living once we're married. We're not even sure we want to stay here in SD. We've talked about a couple different places we might like to live. Two places that stand out are Tucson, AZ and St. Louis, MO. Two VERY different places! We have our reasons for each place.

In Tucson is where one of Josh's good friends from his mission lives with his wife and their kids. Tucson would be a great place to live as far as Josh's line of work. He works in heating and air. (HVAC installer/tech)

Then there's St. Louis... my best friend, her hubby and their 2 girls are from there and they're moving back there on November 1st. Her hubby is getting out of the Marine Corps and he can't re-enlist because his ankle is really messed up. She's been my best friend for the past 3+ years. She's been through the ups and downs of my previous marriage. Been there for the births of my babies. She was there through my divorce. She's also been here for the newest chapter of my life. Her older daughter and my oldest son are the best of friends. Basically I can't imagine my life without them in it. She's always lived right up the street from me and I could always come over when ever just to hang out. Would it be totally crazy to follow them halfway across the US? Hmm... maybe. Until you start to compare home prices!

Decisions, decisions.

We plan to take road trips to both places before we get married. First stop will be Tucson. Well, more like a pit stop... We're actually headed to El Paso, TX. Why would we want to go there you ask? Well, they boys' paternal grandparents live there. Ron's dad and step mom. They've never met the boys and I think they deserve to see their grandsons. They've stuck up for me from the beginning.... when they knew their son was in the wrong. (Unlike some other people I know.. cough cough... HIS BIO MOM.... cough cough.) So we'll be headed there at the end of October. Tucson, AZ is right on the way.

We'll see how this road trip goes before we start planning for the one to St. Louis.

Where Did the Summer Go?!

2009-09-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I blinked and it was gone! It's already the end of September and October will be here by next Thursday...

I've been soooo busy with my boys, with Josh...with LIFE. I feel like I'm going and going. Especially since the boys are getting older and I'm able to have a little bit more free time during the days. I'm FINALLY able to get back in to the things I used to do when I didn't have any kids. Knitting, scrapbooking, graphic design.

Mainly I've been working on my Cafepress store. I started my store back in March 2006 and it's geared towards military families... wives, girlfriends, fiancees, kids, etc. I've added tons of new designs. I started a facebook page for it. I made a new logo. I made tons of freebie icons and graphics. I'm also planning to change the name of it soon... Not sure when that will be. If anyone is interested you can find my store here: Taylor's Military Designs... and More.

Hopefully I'll be able to squeeze in some blogging time every now and then too. :)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

2009-08-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

Very interesting:
Research has found that people who score high on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory are more likely to cheat and game-play in relationships, take more resources for themselves and leave fewer resources for others, value material... things and like looking at themselves in the mirror.

Wow. This is my ex in a nutshell...

I think I'll research this more when I get the time.

Twins?

2009-08-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I started putting together a photo album for the grandparents of my boys. Originally I was going to make one just for the Texas grandparents, but it's turning out so cute that I think I'll put together one for myself and one for my parents as well. What I'm doing is putting the boys pictures side by side... one pic for each month of life. For example, the first 2 pics are their newborn pictures. Second set is at one month, etc...

As I was doing this it occured to me just how much my boys look alike! It's almost scary! If they were the same age they could be twins. On of the main differences is that C has blue eyes and more reddish color hair and B has hazel eyes with more blondish hair.

(I'll add pics as soon as the uploader is working right again....)

Updates on the Ex

2009-07-31T06:17:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason I think people feel like they need to inform me on what my ex husband and/or his new wife is up to these days. Quite frankly, I don't really care. I have everything I need and could ever want up to this point in my life. However, here's some things that I've been informed of over the past couple months....

Apparently they got married some time in May... shortly after our divorce was final on April 29th. Nice. So now on paper he was married from October 2000 - December 17th, 2003 to Dana. From December 20th, 2003 - April 29th, 2009 to me. Then from May 2009 - who knows when. Do you see a pattern here? Hmmm....

I was also told by my cousin's husband (who is a Marine as well) that he ran in to Ron at the air port terminal in Iwakuni, Japan. He said he wanted me to know that he's a total fatty now lol. Those were his words...

Then last, but not least I was informed that his new wife had their baby some time in the last 2 weeks. I saw the pictures. Named him Isaac James. (Hate the name. Baby Ike looks NOTHING like Ron's 3 older boys.) Stung just for a second. I think it would have been worse if he was actually IN the pictures... but no, he was in Japan at the time. (That makes baby number 3 that he didn't see come in to this world.) I don't know about you, but I think that's quite a feat... 2 babies born in the same year... 6 months apart. Is the Marine Corps even SEEING this??? He just added B to Tricare in January. Now he's adding this new one in July. Geez. He's a real winner.

Ok enough about him. I just wish I stayed in the dark on most of this stuff. He's no longer apart of any of our lives and I'd like to keep it that way as much as possible.

Don't judge a book by its cover...

2009-07-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

Today we had another great day at the bay... riding jet skis, playing in the sand and sitting around a bon fire talking. We went along with Josh's friends The Wolters again. They're a really fun family and I love hanging out with them! This time there were a few other families there that Josh and I didn't know. One lady in particular made me feel pretty uncomfortable...

While Josh was out playing around on a jet ski I was sitting on the grass playing with my boys. A woman came up to me and introduced herself. She was an older woman.. maybe in her late 30s. (I'm in my mid 20s, but people tell me I look a lot younger.) She asked my name and the boys names. Then she asked how I knew the Wolters. "Oh, my boyfriend is really good friends with them." She then looks at me, looks at my two boys under the age of 3 and says, "Oh.... That's nice." and walks away. She made me feel like I had 2 bastard kids sitting there with me... like I was some teenage mom getting knocked up because I didn't use protection.

Lady, don't judge a book by its cover. Things aren't always what they appear to be. I hate that just because I have 2 kids and I'm not married people seem to look down on me.

It's not fair.

Promise Ring

2009-07-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Josh surprised me by bringing a ring with him when he came over for dinner. I was shocked when I saw this thing! Completely gorgeous! It has a vintage feel with sort of a modern twist to it. It's not an engagement ring... just a promise ring for now. It's one heck of a promise ring though! I told him that he didn't need to get me any other rings because I'm loving this one and I don't ever want to take it off! For now though it has to sit in it's box til we can take it in to get it resized. A size 7 is way too big for my small fingers...

It's time!

2009-07-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick and tired of my clothes not fitting right. Of being tired and not having any energy. Of just being fat! I haven't always been over weight... What I wouldn't give to have my 18 year old body back... and 18 year old me didn't even appreciate the way my body looked back then. Geez, what was I thinking?

This week my mom and I have started walking/jogging in the evenings with the boys in their strollers. I think we have the perfect neighborhood to walk in. It's all hills and we live up at the top. Tonight's walk felt so good! I even ran up the last hill. If I actually keep this up I'm gonna end up having the nicest butt in a few months lol. In addition to walking/jogging I've been doing crunches and lifting 5lb weights every other day. My goal is to be down to 125lbs before B's 1st birthday. So I have til the end of the year. Seems manageable, right?

Creating new memories

2009-07-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

Recently Josh and I have been seriously talking about getting married.... and while he hasn't proposed yet, I know it will most likely happen some time this year. We've been talking a lot about the boys, how we want to raise them and how soon he and I would plan to have another baby. We know it would be best for all 4 of us to wait at least a good 3 years after we get married to bring another baby in the mix. We want to be able to really bond as a family and have lots of good memories of just the 4 of us spending quality time together.

...and we've already started....

Yesterday we took the boys down to the bay along with The Wolters. They brought their jet skis and their kids and we all had a blast!

Dating With Kids

2009-07-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking about the differences between when I was dating before my marriage to Ron and when I had started dating after my divorce. The big difference? Kids....

When my ex and I were dating we didn't have any kids that we were responsible for. Sure, he had a son, but he lived 300 miles up north with his mom. So dating was easy. It was just the 2 of us. We were able to come and go when we pleased. We never had to worry about finding a sitter. We could get through a whole meal at a restaurant without the sitter (ahem...my mom) calling to ask every 15 min when I'd be home. We were able to go out on numerous dates within a months time. We had all the time in the world to be alone together. (When he and I weren't working of course!) Life was simple. Dating was easy. It was fun.

Then there's dating after my divorce (and 2 kids later).... I've met the man I'd really like to share my life with. He and I can't see each other all the time. We can't really plan dates when we want to because we have to plan them around when we can get either my mom or grandma to watch them. We've been together for over a month now and we just barely had our fourth date. Meaning... we've only been alone 4 times for about 2-3 hours each time. It's just not as easy this time around. Josh and I will never get that... We will never get what Ron and I had. We already have an instant family to take care of. It changes the way you date.

I think I'm a little jealous of the people who got to date their (now) husband, planned a life together, started a family when they wanted to and are still happily married to this day. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade my boys for anything in the whole world... I just wish I had chosen a good husband and father the first time. If I did, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in right now.

All in all, I think Josh and I are making the best of the situation. We take the boys out with us every where. We do fun stuff together like going to the park, the Zoo and Sea World. When we do get that precious alone time, we make the most of it.

Where Have I Been?!

2009-07-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just realized how long it's been since I last blogged... That picture I put up of B was taken when he was about 2 or 3 weeks old. He's now almost 6 months old! I guess time flies when you're having fun.

So much has happened since January! One of the biggest things to happen was that my divorce became final on April 29th, 2009. The day came and went and I really didn't feel any different. Kind of like when you have a birthday... the day after your birthday you don't actually FEEL like you're any older. I got a lot of people congratulating me on it being final though. It seems kind of an odd thing to me.... A marriage between 2 people who were in love and who had started a family together ends and people are telling me, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DIVORCE. Well, I suppose when you take a look at who I was married to it does make sense.

Another big thing to happen this year is that I started dating again! =) My first several dates after I had B did not impress me at all. Things never went past a first date. Not until I met Josh....

Josh and I met on an LSD singles website. He had been bugging me from the first time we started talking to meet in person. I was a little hesitant at first.... especially after the picture he sent me. The best way I can think to describe it is, he looked like Wolverine from X-Men lol. He had some crazy looking sideburns and some hair that was in desperate need of a haircut. After many days of talking both online and through text messages I decided that we could meet after all. I liked his personality well enough. So he came over to my house and I cooked him a nice dinner. A few days later we went out on our first date. I had the best time of my life on that date. The next day we made things official. We wanted to be with each other and no one else. Things have only gotten better from there! That all happened about 5-6 weeks ago.

I'll post more about Josh and our first date soon. I'm gonna try to keep this updated a lot better from now on. For now I'm off to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open....

Update on my babies

2009-01-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

Both C and B are doing really well. So far C hasn't shown any signs of jealously towards the new baby. In fact, he loves his little brother... a little too much! lol. He is constantly giving B kisses over and over. Always waving to him and saying hi to him. It's cute the first 5 times he does it, but then I have to get him interested in something else. Otherwise he'll sit there for 5 straight minutes and kiss the top of B's head. As for B, he's doing great! At his 2 day weight check he lost a little too much weight. He got down to 6lbs 6oz (His birth weight was 7lbs 3oz), but that morning my milk had just come in... So when they weighed him the next day he was up 3oz! Then at his 2 week weight check he was 7lbs 7oz. At my WIC appointment next week I'll have him weighed once again just to make sure his weight is still on the upswing... I won't be taking any chances this time around.

B's Birth Story

2009-01-15T16:13:00.000-08:00

While I have a free minute I think I'll finally try to type out B's birth story...

Late morning on Sunday, January 11th I felt the first contraction. It was some time around 10am. I really didn't think anything of it because I had been having contractions all along... so I figured this was just some more annoying Braxton Hicks. About 45 minutes later I felt another one. A short time later another one. I mentioned to my mom that maybe we should start timing these as a just in case. So we timed them.... 30 minutes apart, 13 minutes, 40 minutes, 25 minutes. They were all over the place! The only thing that made me think they COULD BE the real thing was that they were getting more intense. I had to actually stop and breath through these ones! From 3pm to 5pm they were 14 minutes apart... FINALLY some kind of pattern! I called everyone who needed to be called just in case this was the real thing. I still wasn't entirely convinced.

I called up Lizz and told her what was going on. I needed her to take me to the hospital since my mom just got out of the hospital and my dad had left that weekend on a trip to Mexico. She was really excited and was convinced that this was the real thing. To pass the time I made dinner for me, my mom and C. In between making dinner I had to stop to sit down during every contraction. They hurt so bad! Shortly after I finished making dinner Lizz decided to come over. At about 8:30 she convinced me that we should go to the hospital to get checked. Couldn't hurt...

At 9pm I was at the hospital with Lizz by my side. My grandma and grandpa were on their way. When the nurse checked me I was already 7cm!! Holy crap! I was completely surprised by that because my contractions were still about 10 to 14 minutes apart. Hospital policy is that you are not to come in until they're 5 to 10 minutes apart.

They admitted me to the hospital and took me to my labor and delivery room. I told the nurses and doctor that it was my goal to not get the epidural. I wanted to try to do it all natural since I had already made it to 7cm with no help. Shortly after making it to my room my grandparents showed up. After an hour or 2 the contractions were getting closer together and coming on harder and harder! Close to midnight the doctor checked me once again. I was STILL only 7cm. I was gonna go nuts when I heard that!! I thought for SURE I was close to pushing. After that check things started to get really intense. The contractions were getting almost unbearable. My whole body was shaking. I was hot. I was going out of my mind! I BEGGED for the epidural! I kept saying that I couldn't take much more. FINALLY the doctor came in after what seemed like forever... I was shaking even worse... She told me I had 2 choices. I could get my bag of waters ruptured and deliver this baby or I could get the epidural. I wanted the pain over with right then and there so I choose to have the baby! Plus I knew there was no way I could sit still long enough for the epidural to be put in. By the time the bag was ruptured I was 8cm and unfortunately there was meconium in the water...

As soon as my bag was ruptured things moved VERY quickly! Right as the nurse left the room I felt the urge to push... From here things are kinda fuzzy for me. I was out of my mind with pain... I couldn't control the urge to push. I remember my stomach contracted and I felt myself pushing and a gush of water came out. (Ew! lol) I think Lizz and my grandma were freaking out because the nurse wasn't coming back and they weren't answering the call button. After what seemed like forever a ton of people filled the room. I was screaming from the pain. Like screaming on the top of my lungs. My body was pushing the baby out and I couldn't stop myself! The stupid doctor kept yelling at me not to scream, to stop pushing and she kept shoving the baby back inside of me! I guess they were worried about him coming without the pediatrician there. She did this about 5 times. Lizz was ready to kick her ass. lol. They started arguing and I asked them both to stop.

FINALLY I was allowed to push. I think I pushed maybe a total of 5 to 7 times and he was out. As SOON as he was delivered I instantly felt normal again. It was amazing! I felt like super woman. I did it! I did it all on my own! OMG. I just kept saying, 'I did it!' over and over. B had to be cleaned off right after delivery so I didn't get to see him right away like I wanted. Lizz got to cut the remainder of the umbilical cord. (The doctor did the first cut since he had to be rushed over to the table.) While all of this was going on the doctor was stitching me up... taking her sweet time. I swear she did it on purpose!

FINALLY I got to hold my baby! I put him straight to the breast and he he started breastfeeding like a champ. Nothing like C! It was so awesome.

When I was ready to go to my recovery room Lizz (plus her family) and my grandpa went home. My grandma stayed with us.

Ron was updated the entire time, but failed to come to the hospital until B was over 12 hours old. Then he only stayed for about 20 minutes... Doesn't surprise me.

Well, that's my birth story. Nothing like C's, thank goodness. I'll post some updates on B as soon as I can!

Baby and Life Updates

2009-01-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

Had my 38 week appointment today and I'm 2-3cm dialated already. Thank goodness all this false labor wasn't for nothing!!! I'm so ready for this pregnancy to be over with. Have another appointment with my midwife on Monday for her to check me again and to sweep my membranes... which will hopefully send me in to labor. I'm hoping I won't make it to my appointment though. I'm praying that I go in to labor on my own sometime tonight or this weekend.

In other life news, Ron just doesn't give up. I think he's going for jerk of the year 2 years in a row! Why in the world I called him to give him my baby update I'll never know... Of course when I called him, his b**** was sitting right next to him in the car and he just had to show off in front of her and be a complete a-hole to me. He had the nerve to tell me, "We'll talk about child support and custody issues later." I was completely confused... What in the world is he talking about? I asked him and he said that he has to lower my child support because he won't be able to sustain a decent living out in South Carolina without lowering it. ??????? Are you kidding me?!?!?! You can rent a studio apartment out there for about $300 - $500 a month!!! He went on to tell me that he wants to get base housing. FOR WHO???? His girlfriend and her son?!?!?! She's stationed in CANADA!!!! JIOFHiengwietniuewh t3w5u93 4itnitjwieji! WTF? OMG I'm just so pissed off and upset right now. Why in the world does he have to do this to me right now. I already have enough to deal with as it is! I'm going to be giving birth some time in the next couple weeks. My mom is getting surgery on the 6th which puts her out of work/complete bed rest for 6 weeks. My step dad just got laid off last week... So basically no one in this house will be bringing much income in other than disability and unemployment. I depend on that child support to put food in my son's belly. Food in my body which will soon be feeding an infant. Clothes on their backs. (C. out grows his clothing and shoes about every 6 months. B. will be growing out of stuff about every 2-3 months!) Gas to put in the car to get everyone to their doctors appointments. Insurance to cover me driving my mom's car....

I'm just so done with him....

I'm tired....

When do I get a break?

When can I stop worrying about him making threats to take away child support or threatening to take the kids from me? I'M SO SICK OF THIS! I just want it to be over with already! =(

Happy Freakin' Birthday to Me!

2008-12-30T13:44:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned how much I despise my ex lately? The only thing he is worth is the child support he pays and the insurance that covers me and the boys...

He knows I'm about to give birth ANY day now...
He knows that he'll be leaving for SC next month...
He knows that he and C have VERY LITTLE time left to spend together...

So what does he do? He has his skanky whore fly out here from Ottowa, Canada to visit him! (From the night of the 28th til Jan 6th... My b-day is the 3rd....) And then wonders why I wouldn't allow him to take C this weekend. Hmm... I wonder?

It makes ME wonder why the hell she's spening the week after Christmas out here in SD when her son is in Houston, TX with her parents. What kind of mom does that???!!!!

It also makes me wonder why Ron SUDDENLY wants to take C for a whole weekend... So they can play house with my son? So he can look like father of the freakin' year to his slut? He hasn't seen C since he watched him for an hour during my prenatal appointment on December 15th. He didn't call on C's birthday and he didn't call on Christmas. He hasn't bought him any birthday or Christmas presents and I'm sure has no plans to do so.... (Not that C NEEDS any more toys! lol)

This whole thing makes me sick to my stomach....

Organized

2008-12-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my mom and I went to our storage unit to organize it a little better and to get out our Christmas decorations and some more baby stuff. Before we went over to my unit I had my mom drive by Ron's old one. (He was supposed to be moved out last week.) The lock hadn't been cut yet! So my mom and I grabbed anything and everything we could. I'm so glad we went back there to look because I now have all of my kitchen stuff back as well as a lot of furniture that Ron and I had bought while we were married. Even if I don't keep everything I can still have a huge swap meet sale with it...

When we were done with that we went home and all took a nap. Ok, so me and C. took a nap. My mom stayed up talking on the phone for over an hour. She got something in the mail for my step dad. (He's working in Las Vegas at the moment.) It's a paper filed with the court saying there's a bench warrant out for his arrest because of unpaid child support! They want to put him in jail for a year! Now please don't jump to conclusions about this.... My step dad raised both of his kids up until they were 15 and 17. Then they decided they'd rather live with their mom because she let them get away with what ever they wanted to. Since living with her neither one graduated high school and they're now 21 and 19 going on 20. Long story short, their mother is one sneaky b****. Somehow my step dad owes her thousands and thousands of dollars... He'll be paying her $300 a month til the day he dies. Hopefully it all gets cleared up soon. The months they're talking about are months when he was out of work.... Which is why he's so far away from home working in Las Vegas! Ugh... I hate the court system sometimes.

Later that night my sister, her husband and my niece came over. Her husband just got laid off and my mom was helping him file for unemployment. (This economy SUCKS right now!) The whole time they were here C. wouldn't leave him alone. He kept bringing out all of his toys to show him and kept wanting him to pick him up. It was cute, but at the same time heartbreaking. He's craving some male attention! Attention that his daddy should be giving him, but he's not. Moms and grandma's just aren't the same as daddy's... We don't rough house or wrestle on the ground. We don't like watching football. We don't swing him around in the air... I really wish Ron would get his head out of the clouds and start spending every second he can with C. before he has to leave to SC.

It's Official

2008-12-08T08:29:00.000-08:00

I just got a notice in the mail on Saturday that the settlement we submitted has been filed and is now official. It's kinda depressing to think about. My marriage to the man I've loved with all my heart for 6 years is really over with. Even more depressing to think about is that our 5th wedding anniversary is coming up on the 20th of this month. Thank goodness for my grandma though! She planned her annual Christmas party on that day... So hopefully I don't think about it too much.

Rough Weekend

2008-12-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was really draining for me emotionally. I was stressed out, depressed, crying all day. It all started when I woke up. I laid there in bed and thought about writing an e-mail to Ron. I went over in my head everything that I wanted to say. As I lay there thinking of everything I started crying. After I got up I immediately went to work on the e-mail. It took me about an hour to type out and I went through lots of tears by the time I was done. Everything I said in the e-mail came straight from the heart and it's everything that I've been wanting to tell him for several months. Later that day he let me know he read it... Apparently he thought I was being mean... he said at first he was sad, then angry and now he's completely depressed. (I guess it got through to him.)

Here's the e-mail I sent:

Ron,

I've been going over again and again in my head what I wanted to say in this e-mail. Now that I'm sitting here typing it out, my mind suddenly went blank... so bare with me.

I've been thinking about how you keep saying that you want to be a good father. I've always told you that actions speak louder than words. You've been back in SD now for over a month and you have yet to take C. for any kind of visitation. Seeing him here at my house or with me there with you guys does not count as visitation. Instead you've taken not one, but TWO trips to visit your mistress. Where in the world are your priorities at? Certainly not with C. You say you want to be with C and see him as often as you can, but your actions say otherwise. Now you're preparing for a big move to the East Coast.

You had to have seen this coming... They've been trying to get you out of here for a couple years now. Because of this move you, C. and B. will NEVER have the relationship I always dreamed of you guys having. I didn't want things to turn out like they did during my childhood.... (and my mom and dad have always lived right down the street from each other.) When moms and dads split up, one parent will always turn in to the "Disneyland Dad". My dad was this kind of dad. He was never able to disipline us. He was never involved in our school work or activities. He was never there for us when we got hurt... He was just the dad that took us places on the weekends and brought us back home when the weekend was over. C. and B. won't even get THAT much and it's breaking my heart to know they will never grow up with their father.

Please don't bring up the crazy idea of us moving to SC again either... That's the most absurd thing I've heard come out of your mouth lately. If you wanted them to be with you all the time you should have given our marriage a REAL shot at working out. Being married to their mom is the ONLY way you'd ever be able to be a really good dad. If we were still together we'd ALL be preparing for this move right now.

You wouldn't be having to miss B.'s birth. You wouldn't be missing all of B.'s firsts.... first smile, first time rolling over, first laugh... You missed just about everything with T. You missed a hell of a lot with C. and I thought this time around could be different... for both of us.

When I got pregnant with B. I really thought I finally had the husband and father to my babies that I've been waiting for. You were getting better with C. and with being there for me. I thought that by the time B. was born you'd be there with me through every thing. I thought you'd be there to rush me to the hospital, go through all the ins and outs of labor and delivery with me. I imagined us being there together with our newborn baby boy being more in love with each other than ever before. Instead it turned in to something that I'm stressing about. Wondering who will be taking me to the hospital. Wondering who will be able to stay with me the entire time. Wondering who is going to be sharing that incredible feeling when B. comes out and we hear that first cry of his. Wondering who will be the one to take me and my newborn home from the hospital. That "who" was all supposed to be YOU.

How many families are you going to create and break apart before the cycle stops?? I can understand why you and D. didn't work out, but I thought it was different with us. We planned to get married. We planned to start a family. Breaking up our family wasn't supposed to happen. Not to us. We had our ups and downs. Everyone does. There was never anything that we couldn't get through though. You never even gave us a chance this time. We spent 6 years together and it breaks my heart that you're throwing it all away for some fling you had in Florida! You broke up your family over it! I really hope she is truly worth everything you lost because of her. You lost me. You lost your boys. You lost your family and a home to go to after work every night. You lost the ability to see your third son come in to this world. You lost your chance to watch them grow up... You will never again be able to read to C. on a nightly basis. To tuck him in at night. To kiss him goodnight. You will never again be able to see him be his crazy self everyday. He does stuff everyday that makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts! And you'll be missing all this and more when B. gets here.

I really hope you're a lot happier now without us than you were with us... (I still don't understand what it was about being my husband that was so hard for you...)

C. and B. will always do just fine because they'll always have each other and they'll always have me as a constant in their lives. It's just sad to know that they will never have the experience or joy that comes along with having both parents raise them under one roof.

Anyway, I suppose that's all I really wanted to say. I really hope you've thought long and hard about all of this before you decided to give up your chance at being a family with us. It would be incredibly sad if you decided a month or 6 months or a year from now that you've made a huge mistake... because by then the damage will have been done and the 3 of us will have moved on with our lives without you.

-T

Completely Seperated

2008-12-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

Today we finished going through all of our property at the storage unit. Luckily I went back there and went through the boxes once again because I accidentally left a big box that was full of my clothes and shoes! Everything that couldn't fit in his car had to stay behind. I really hate to see it all go, but there's nothing really to cry over. Just our dinning room table, chairs, some small furniture, books and some kitchen stuff. Nothing that can't be replaced. It's still sad to think it's all going to be auctioned off though. That was our life in there... memories... We ate as a family off of those plates and that table. We slept on those bedsheets. We read those books together.... Oh well...

We also went to the bank today to try to take me off of our joint account. Apparently they can't legally do that. How ridiculous is that? Even with me there giving them permission they can't do it! It's just a checking account! No credit cards, no loans, no outstanding balances of any sort.... They told us that they could CLOSE the account and open a new one, but they couldn't take my name off of it. The only problem with that is Ron has his direct deposit going there. Opening a new account & closing this one would screw it all up.

Another thing we did was take my name off of the car insurance. Luckily USAA offered me my own account and now I have my own "Non-Owner Policy." Now there won't be a lapse in coverage when I go to get my own car with my own insurance.

I think doing all of this today is really getting to Ron. I think it's making him realize everything he's losing. He let me know that he'll probably be going to medical soon because he's having a mental breakdown over everything. (Something I've been asking him to do since he returned from Iraq!) Hopefully he gets the help he needs for his depression/anxiety/paranoia. Too bad it's coming too little, too late. (For us anyway) It'll be a sad day when he comes crying back to me, BEGGING me to get back with him. It's not gonna happen. He's put me through too much shit to go back now. There was a time about 2 months ago that I would have taken him back, but that's not the case any longer. I've moved on with my life and he's just gonna have to accept everything that he's done. He really screwed up his life... not mine. Me and my babies are so much better off with out him. I think he's starting to see that...

Hate is such a strong word, but...

2008-12-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

I really do hate him sometimes!

All last week I had Ron's car because he went on a little vacation to visit the Amazon Woman. (Seriously, she's like 4 inches taller than Ronnie). I drove him to the airport so I agreed to pick him up too.

So last night C. and I went to pick him up. C. was all excited because I told him who we were going to get. He kept saying, "Dada! Dada!" over and over again. After entertaining C for about 10 minutes we finally spot Ron walking through the gate. I yell to him and he points to baggage claim and keeps walking. He was on his cell phone. When we catch up to him he bends down (phone still to ear) and says hi to C. Then he starts walking away and says he needs to smoke.... leaving C. and I standing there looking after him. His lip started quivering like he was going to start crying. My heart completely broke for C. He was so excited to see his Dada and Ron can't even get off the phone and wait to smoke for FIVE minutes after getting off the plane... and of course he was talking to HER.

At this point my pregnancy hormones kick in big time and I start balling my eyes out. I'm trying not to let C. see, but he can tell that I'm upset.

When Ron comes back in C. acted like he could care less that his dad was there. C. completely ignored him. When Ron asked what was wrong with me I went off on him... Of course he just brushed it off like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Excuse me?? That's my little boy's heart that you're breaking here! Thinking about it is making me get all teary eyed again.

Ugh! I HATE HIM! I hate him for what he did to our family! I hate him for not being the good father that he promised to be! I FUCKING HATE HIM! Why me? Why did he choose to marry me? Why did he want to have kids with me? Why did he do all of this only to turn around 6+ years later and screw up my life??? WHY?????!!!!!!!!! AND WHY DID I GO ALONG WITH IT????

I can't wait til he leaves for South Carolina and we never hear from him again. I only say that because I can already see it coming... He's been back in SD for almost a month and a half and has yet to have any kind of visitation with C. I doubt that will change from now until he leaves and I doubt it will change when he's 3000 miles away....

Thank God B. won't grow up having any kind of memory of this loser... at least not for the first several years of his life! At least I can spare him a few years of disappointment unlike C. who still gets excited when he hears the word Dada. =(